There are moments of your life that you wish you could encapsulate in glass, to watch over and over again and relive the joy felt in that second. There are others that you wish you could abort like a late stage pregnancy, just so you know you got it all and no trace remains. Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (henceforth known as VGvFG) is the equivalent of a tabasco enema. How something that aims so low that it enters the ass yet still gives you heartburn is beyond the comprehension of this particular reviewer. VGvFG is so damned Asian that I felt whiter than both Winter brothers after watching it. It is not the disturbing Asian of a Miike movie, but the kind of disturbing that comes from eating a pound of bad shellfish after mainlining year old Easter candy. it's confusing, nonsensical and at times almost nausea inducing from it's techno-Japo-Hello Kitty- hallucino-ass fuck ridiculousness.
imagine waking up Christmas morning to find your morbidly obese uncle dressed like a Power Ranger fucking a hamburger and you have nailed the tone and sensibility of VGvFG. Now I do have to admire the bold direction of a lot of Asian cinema to decide to forget convention and just aspire to MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL. I can only further illustrate this sentiment by saying that I started watching VGvFG with a slight early summer chest cold and now I have a glowing lymph node that answers to Dr. Pinky Fun Love Time (which might be part of a song used in the film - a soundtrack so diversely bizarre that it consists of part rockabilly and part cancer).
So maybe this is more of a warning than a review... Ok.. Review time. Girl comes to school where vice principal and father of bitchy pedo-target school girl that dresses like a sailor in drag at a police funeral, parades around in kabuki garb while trying to replicate the experiments of Dr. Frankenstein. new girl happens to be a vampire and slips her contaminated vamp blood into chocolates that she randomly gives to boys that look sorta like girls who all sorta dress alike and have an affinity for long swords that morph out of flesh... I honestly can't even fucking finish this... VGvFG has officially given me intestinal distress and I have to drop it's sequel off at the processing lab, which is my cunning way of saying that this piece of shit has worked it's way through my colon to give me one last hurrah before I try to forget it forever. i would review the special features of the bluray... If I fucking hated myself. Holy Shit. Avoid.
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